Under your shoes
by CrAyOnS tAstE LIkE pUrple
Summary: Duo can't take it anymore, he is diving farther into the darkness of his mind...dark themes, self-mutilation, drugs....
1. Default Chapter

I do not own Gundam Wing. All I own is a computer and a banana.  
  
  
  
Duo looked into the vast obilivion that was space, or maybe it wasn't.   
  
He wasn't sure anymore.  
  
It happened slowly, when he didn't know it was coming, it usually happened in his sleep. But, now it was happening when he was awake.  
  
Images that were not of his own doing, but yet were, flooding his consciousness.  
  
He was cursed with them for eternity, but, it only seemed to happen to him...  
  
Why?  
  
Because he was Shinigmi?  
  
It that why the death pictures showed him the morbidly beautiful images.  
  
He could sometimes smell it, smell the flesh being ripped open, blood spilling over the burning skin.  
  
It made him sick, but...  
  
But  
  
The worst part of the whole thing was, he craved it, needed more, in an unquenchable way.  
  
He was c  
r  
a  
c  
k  
i  
n  
g  
  


*^*  
  


Deathscyth swerved and moved, entrapped in a dance of titans.  
  
Duo loved battle  
  
He needed it.  
  
Probably more than the Perfect soldier.  
  
He would go more insane than he already was without it.  
  
But...yet, this battle, dance as it were. Didn't have the intimacy Duo needed.  
  
He couldn't hear the cries of horror, anguish, of pain. He couldn't quite smell the burn, the blood, he knew was there. He needed to coat his hands in the blood, brush his fingertips lightly over the carnage he caused.  
  
A wounded soldier is so beautiful....so beautiful.  
  
His eye twitched as the mobiledolls were getting easily destroyed.  
  
How utterly dissatisfying.  
  
He wanted carnage!  
  
They were like caged animals.  
  
He wanted a challenge, so the screams would be more satisfying.  
  
He loved it when the other soldiers hurt him. Shot him, burned him, cut him, whatever. Its was like a fetish...  
  
Images flashed before his now glazing eyes.  
  
Eyes rolled back into the skull.  
Stomachs hanging open, innards hanging out.  
Bruised covered necks.  
Charred corpses splayed about the field.  
  
He was back in reality.  
  
Feeling queasy in the stomach.  
  
Yelling a battle cry he launched himself into the Dolls with a fierce vigour.  
  
Using the more barbaric approach of hacking the suits in half right at the cockpit.   
  
Sparks shot out of the broken giants, wires waving in the air in a last salute to the young boy that brought them crashing down.  
  
The man inside probably had a wife named Laura, and a dog named Sparky, his daughter had probably made him promise to come back home for her birthday.  
  
Duo could hear the others voices, they were telling him to come back, the bomb was already ticking.  
  
It would take care of the rest of them, and him if he didn't get out of there now.  
  
The mecha bent its knees and shot up into the sky, just as the base below exploded, or was it imploded?  
  
Hmmm  
  
When he was finished that thought, they were already in the hangar.  
  
How did that happen? We were just above the base....'  
  
Okay, maybe he was a little crazier than he let on in the first place. He pressed the buttton to open the hatch, only to be berated by his team mates.  
  
What the fuck did you think you were doing Maxwell?! the enraged Chinese boy shouted.   
  
Hiiro looked at him more coldly than usual. You, could have _fucked_ everthing up. stating a fact. You knew it was just seconds before that place blew and you were still attacking. Hiiro glared, turned around and walked away. Trowa met his gaze with a cool stare, then did the same as Hiiro. Wufei looked at him in fury. He marched up to him, looked him up and down, then without a word stalked away. Quatre. Quatre just looked at him in disappointment, shook his head then turned away.  
  
He was alone again.  
  
But there anger was completely understandable, but that fact didn't stop the slow hurt that crept up the base of his neck.  
  
But Hiiro had toughened him up from emotional pain such as this.  
  
He was Hiiros fuck buddy, but Hiiro never let him come to his bed.  
  
He was ashamed of him, of his dirty little secret.  
  
Maybe it was Relena, she said jump, he said how high.  
  
When anybody was around, he wouldn't touch him, and Duo wasn't allowed to touch him either.  
  
It was just the way it was.   
  
When he was musing, his feet had decided to take him to the pool, he was already knee deep in water.  
  
What th-- but he was cut off by his own sharp intake of breath.  
  
The images were back, but this time, what scared him the most, was they were of him.  
  
Him hang from a rope, a note taped to his chest.  
  
Him face down in a pool.  
  
Him lying there, with a gun in his hand and black blood circling around his head.  
  
Him slashed with vertical and horizontal cuts knife in hand.  
  
Him broken on a side walk.  
  
Him lying frozen in the snow.  
  
Him in bed, pills and vodka bottles littered around him.  
  
He opened his eyes, and took in a big gulp of air, problem was, he was at the bottem of the pool.  
  
He sat still, moderatly comfortable with the water swimming in his lungs. He slowly swam to the top.  
  
This was wrong, his body wasn't reacting right.  
  
When he came to the surface, he made sure to spit out the water in slow even streams, then took a fresh breath of air.  
  
How long had he been down there?  
  
10 minutes?  
10 seconds?  
3 years?  
  
He submerged himself under again, it was perfectly silent under the water, perfectly.  
  
The water would absorb his horror, it would.  
  
He screamed.  
  
  


*^*  
  


Duo felt his left eye twitch as he entered the house, soping wet.  
  
Then he was in his bathroom, looking at his reflection, hearing the muffled murmering voices of his companions through the vent.  
  
Sad indigo eyes glared back at him.  
  
What?  
  
I didn't say anything  
  
Why are you looking at me like that?  
  
Like what?  
  
Like.....THAT?  
  
Because you worthless.  
  
Who are you?  
  
What you are.  
  
What does that mean?  
  
His reflection grinned devilishly at him.  
  
You think you're going crazy, ne?  
  
I know I am.  
  
Crazy people have much more fun, don't you think?  
  
Its all a matter of opinion.  
  


*^*  
  


Hiiro silenced them with a motion of his hand.  
  
What is that?   
  
Its probebly Duo, the baka. Wufei mumbled.  
  
No, Quatre straned to hear. Listen, theres someone else.  
  
They were silence, only to be rewarded with they disturbing conversation.  
  
Why are you looking at me like that? Duo.  
  
Like what? The lower more sultry voice of Duo.  
  
Like..... THAT?  
  
Because you're worthless.  
  
Who are you?  
  
What you are.  
  
What does that mean.  
  
A pregnant pause.  
  
You think you're going crazy, ne?  
  
I know I am.  
  
Crazy people have much more fun, don't you think?  
  
Its a matter of opinion  
  
Then silence.  
  
What the fuck was that? Wufei exclamed.  
  
I.... think he was talking to himself......but, that......was way to creepy, it was like...... he was haveing a conversation like you would with a stranger. Quatre murmered, looking shaken.  
  
YOU STUPID FUCK! From upstairs.  
  
Next thing they knew Duo was storming down the stairs, mumbling obsanitys.  
  
He didn't even seem to see then as he cut through the dinning room, and in to the living room where they were seated.  
  
....stupid fucker, telling me I'm crazy...... DOESNT HE THINK I WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT IT...ARRGG!! Duo started pacing back and forth.  
  
The piolets looked at each other.  
  
Duo... Quatre said cautiously.  
  
But he didn't seem to hear.  
  
He sat down on the floor and put his chin in his hand.  
  


*^*  
  


_ Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy......' _  
  
Why did this person in his head deside to talk to him now?!  
  
Well, on some level the person was him......or, maybe it wasn't.  
  
When he came too, he was sitting cross legged, on the floor, the guys were giving him looks he couldn't place.  
  
Oh god what had he done?  
  
He blinked owlishly at them.  
  
Uh, hey guys.... whats up? He prayed to Shinigami that it worked.  
  
They looked at him increduously.  
  
No dice....crap.  
  
Maxwell, what the fuck were you doing up there?! The outraged Chang.  
  
Did they hear him talking? Oh Shinigami....  
  
....I don't know what you're talking about. And he did something that he though he would never do to them.  
  
He gave them a steely glare.  
  
You know damn well what we're talking about, now, tell us please, what was the conversation you were having with yourself. Because were drawing blanks here, so help us out. How can you be sarcastic and talk in monotone at the same time? However its done, Hiiro managed it.  
  
Fuck you Yuy. The simple three words that I have dreamed of saying to his face. Yeah, thats right, Fuck you!  
  
Ha!  
  
I got up from the floor, and pivited on my heel.  
  
I walked calmly out of the room.  
  
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn!  
  
He marched up into is room, kneeled by his bed and prayed.  
  
Dear, God, Kami, Buddha, who's ever up there please, please make all this go away. I don't want these pictures anymore. The last part was sobbed out.  
  


*^*  
  


I really think its to much stress. Trowa voiced out.  
  
Yes, he's been acting odd all month.  
  
Yeah, it must be all the stress.  
  
Weak baka, cracks under a little pressure.  
  
Stress, that must be it.  
  


*^*  


He hated him.  
  
But yet was falling in love.  
  
Hiiro...his name, the hero of the people...he wished he would be his hero. Save him.  
  
More pictures flashed.  
  
You know what you have to do to keep the pictures under control'  
  
No.  
  
Yyeesssss' the voice hissed.  
  
Duo got up and walked to the bathroom, he was about an inche away from self mutilation.  
  
Oh God.  
  
He opened the cabinit, and pulled out a bottle of tylonal. He walked out of his room and down the heavely carpited stairs. There was a mahogany door just down the hall, that was where the bar was.   
  
He was usually the only one that used it.....it showed how weak he was. Dependent on worldly matters for help.  
  
He blinked.  
  
The door was right infront of him. He turned the handle, it seemed as if night had crept up on him, the moonlight spilled into -out of?- the room.  
  
Duo sauntered over to the bar, and grabbed a bottle of vodka.  
  
He chuckled.  
  
He was a whore.  
  
He took seven pills in his hand, popped open the vodka lid, and downed both.  
  
Arg his throat stung.  
  
Would this put him in a coma? Or maybe kill him?  
  
Well it looked like he was going to find out.  
  
He was starting to feel the effects, so he walked to the door, opened it and started on his way back to his room.  
  
Was it just him or was the hallway alot longer coming back then it was before.  
  
Yeah....it was him.  
  
Hoe boy. he mumbled  
  
He stumbled to the stairs, then crawled the rest of the way up, both pills and vodka stuck firmly in hand.  
  
He made it.  
  
He was in the bathroom, in the tub.  
  
I'm.....getting so.....tired...of this. he slurred.  
  
The pills dropped out of is hand, scattering in all directions, like white spiders they were.  
  
He wearily lifted the bottle to his lips and took a half hearted swig.  
  
He turned the cold water on with his foot.  
  
Why wasn't he dying?  
  
Because you half wit, you do this all the time, your getting a higher tolerance.'  
  
Ahh, fuck you......you drug induced......um........thi...ing.  
  
He tilted his head back, letting his braid be submerged in freezing cold water.  
  
He shivered.  
  
The water was up to his neck.  
  
Over flooding.  
  
He didn't want to ruin Quatre's nice house.  
  
It took three tries but, he turned the water off with his toes...which were now turning red from the cold.  
  
He giggled.  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay! How was the first chapter? Do you like it? Please review! *Eats reviews* Flame if you like....but I will only point and laugh. If you have any suggestions, please tell me! P.S. I fixed some of the things. Not much but some of it.  
  
Thanks!   
  
M-Ann


	2. Let it freeze

  
Chapter 2  
  
Duo layed in the almost freezing water.   
  
His spidery fingers were stiff with the cold. But even in their stiffened state, they managed to reach up and pulled out the elastic holding his hair in a braid. Gently combing out the soft strands of hair, that his was pretty sure was as cold as is fingers.  
  
His black clothes- yes, always black. A nun had once told him that a soul was like a white table top. Every time you sinned, it would leave a black smudge upon it's pristine surface. His sins didn't leave any white visible- weighed heavily on his lithe frame.  
  
What if you were forced to sin?  
  
But, then again, what if you liked the sins that you were forced to do?  
  
Is indigo eyes tried to focus on the water slowly dripping out of the tap, all the while his mind wandering to the sad, little african babies, sitting there without food, health, or clothing.  
  
He wanted to dance and paint the stars. Even if he had no talent, people would smile politely and clap softly.  
  
I was the right thing to do in the socity he was shoved- very rudely, mind you- into.  
  
He couldn't keep the same thoughts in his pretty little head for more than a minute.  
  
Yes, he openly admitted that he was beautiful.  
  
His pixie like face and body turned many heads.  
  
Both male and female.  
  
He was good at seducing people. It was part of his job.   
  
Not like any of the others new that, of course....  
  
Hiiro was good at pointing the gun and getting the information.  
  
Duo was okay at that too, but he was better at the other...artful ways of getting it.  
  
He slowly relaxed his body, causing him to sink farther.  
  
Why the hell do I always end up under water when I'm doing some serious thinking?'  
  
The tip of his slighty upturned nose broke the wavy surface of the water first.  
  
His hair pooled all around him.  
  
His perfect hair.  
  
Making him look even more like a woman. Not that he minded.  
  
As he had said...er...thought before, he took much pride in his appearance.  
  
So what if he was a little vain?  
  
He deserved all the beauty the world could offer. The world owed him ten times over.  
  
Was vanity a sin? Well, when he got to hell, maybe he could be the devils whore or something.  
  
All this self pity was making him sick.  
  
Duo, climbed out of the tub sluggishly, stumbling often, on his way to the bathroom window. Looking out from behind his eyelashes, over Quatre's estate.   
  
His gaze flickered to two figures, there shadows stretched far behind them.  
  
Relena......and Hiiro.  
  
His brows furrowed.  
  
He held her. Was it the moon, or did she really make his cold hard eyes sparkle like that? Why...why couldn't he make the corners of the boys mouth rise...even just ever so slightly?  
  
Would he make my toes curl if he held me?' He though, tiredly eyeing Relena's danty feet.  
  
Suddenly he had to be sick.  
  
The room swayed as he fell.  
  
No one, would help him.  
  
I kinda reminded him of the feeling he would get in the slums on L2.  
  
The youth choked on a sob coming up his throat, curling into a fetus position.  
  
Nothing digusts me more than a weak nothing.'  
  
SHUT the FUCK up! Squeezing his eyes shut, he imagened fire, princesses, little chinese restrants, and boys that were scared and alone in the dark.  
  
Hmmm, no....don't think I will.'  
  
Why the FUCK are you in my FUCKING HEAD! GET OUT! GET OUT! He cried out, his voice cracking with the tears that were almost there.  
  
A sigh, coming from all directions, but really came from the middled mind of the young lonely boy on the floor, was heard.  
  
You know as well as I do, that can't happen. You must learn Duo-chan, (the name was spoken with affection Duo had sadly never had the privlage of hearing) it will all be for the better...you'll see'  
  
I...nng....don't........want you....in my head......anymore Duo whispered, brokenly.  
  
I can be outside as well as in...I'll be your friend if you like.'  
  
You...were being such...a bastard before.  
  
I know.' the voice was covered in amusment.  
  
  
  
Someone seemed to be stroking Duo's dripping hair...but, at the same time, there was a feeling of...strong...emptiness. Or, emptiness wasn't the right word for it, it was more like the feeling of gaining something...but at the same time, losing the same thing.  
  
There there, pet Duo went rigid. The...voice in his head...was right beside him.  
  
Don't worry, I'm not really here...its more of an example of your own craziness.' Insane giggling followed.  
  
W-what......do I HAVE to do too get RID of you! He growled from deep in his chest.  
  
Well, to ALL questions there lies a VERY complex answer...'  
  
  
  
Hurt others, or yourself'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
YaY! Wow...that was an insanly short chapter...Heh heh ^___^ sorry bout that... But this time I'll update sooner!  
  
P.S. If you find any spelling mistakes PLEASE PLEASE inform me....my spell check is messed you see.... so yeah....REVIEW!!! I fixed this chapter too! I'll update in a couple of day's I promise.


	3. Leave me alone

Disclamier: I do not own Gundam Wing  
  
  
  
  
Chaper 3  
  
  
Duo rubbed the tears from the corner of his eyes with the back of his hand. Letting out a sad laugh.  
  
How the hell did he ever get like this. This pathetic creature, sitting here on Quatre's nice clean bathroom floor. He didn't deserve to be here, in this clean place. He didn't deserve to hurt his friends with his presence.  
  
He was Duo Maxwell, the little nobody from L2.  
  
Somebody with problems he probebly deserved. It was his fault his mind was messed up.  
  
His own damn fault.  
  
If he wasn't such a screw up.   
  
If he could be kind like Quatre, strong like Trowa, brave like Wufei, perfect like Hiiro.  
  
He wasn't anything, just a useless pound of flesh.   
  
And why the FUCK was he even depressed!? He hated the fact that he was, he had no reason to be...think of all the suffering that others have gone through.  
  
And look at you. You worthless nobody, sitting here, like you want to be pitied...discusting. he murmered to himself.  
  
A sound like a sob and a cough bubbled up from his belly. He rock backward and forward, beginning to hiccup softly.  
  
There, there, my beautiful boy, my beautiful angel. Why must you cry?  
  
I...don't, his breathing hitched in his chest.   
  
Duo bit his bottem lip and chewed on it furiously. Blinking at the burning feeling behind his retinas. He scrubbed his face with his hands.  
  
Fuck...fuck...fuck...fuck...fuck, Duo chanted, rocking faster. He didn't want to hurt anyone...not his friends. He wanted blood though, rich red blood, so think if flowed in rivers.  
  
His skin felt hot, like it wanted to peel away from his body, he wanted it to peel away, to get rid of the burning. He clacked his teeth together.  
  
What better way to show yourself, your body what it is thinking then causing yourself pain? You should see whats in your mind. Painted in blood on your body.  
  
A new sob echoed out of the sad boys mouth, he buried his face in his knees. Biting a knee cap between his teeth. Leave me along. Leave me alone.  
  
The voice desided to try another angle. Duo, can't you see your causing your friends pain? You acting like this. Do you want to cause them pain, baby? the voice washed over him in soothing waves. Duo shook his head, no. It's your fault, why would they treat you so worthlessly if you wern't? Your friends don't lie Duo, you know that.  
  
Letting out a keening wail, he grabbed his hair and tried to cover his ears with is arms.  
  
He was a rich man, with many fans. They all loved him. They loved him, worshipped him. Shinigami! Shinigami! A feeling like ice slipping down his spine brought his back to reality.  
  
Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo.....have you became the new Solo?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
GOMEN! GOMEN FOR THE LONG WAIT! I just didn't have any motivation to write, I was in a slum. I need reviews to write! So please if you read this Please Please Review!!!!!!!


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